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I got my hair done recently and put a picture on facebook. That's not new, what's new is that I took the picture and didn't go "Oh GOD I'm so fat and ugly" and then make Simon choose a picture all the while upset with how I look.

I just took a picture went "I like my smile in this one best" put it on facebook and was happy. Simon took a video of me in the park with Charlie and while I went "Eh, I do look a littl big" there was no self hate and I told him I was quite happy for him to put them up on youtube.

I've been feeling anxious at times and nervous and even sad a bit but there's no self hate, so abuse and/or anger at myself.

That's....really new for me.

That's weird.

I like it.

an intense 15 months

Nearly 15 months ago I had a baby

Nine months ago my grandfather died.

Eight months ago I tried to kill myself

Six months ago Simon let me know where the knives and medications were kept

Three months ago I started blogging semi-reguarly

Two months ago we found out we have less then no money

Right now? My mental health is probably at the best it's been since I can remember, not just in the last year but since I can remember. I've just discovered I've lost weight and am in better physical condition then I've been for awhile. By the end of this month or the beginning of the next our finances will be sorted. My life is good, I have friends, family, love, support and plans. I have things to look forward to. My future looks bright and I'm seeing that.

It's been an intense 15 months.

Writer's Block: I scare myself

What is your greatest fear?

I'm scared of a LOT of things, leaving the house, answering the phone, talking to people, making a phone call, asking for something, and so on and so forth but my greatest as in thing I have nightmares about is probably losing my husband and/or child.

My greatest fear that actually scares me the most on a day in day out basis is spiders and other creepy crawlies

Writer's Block: No place like home

What are five things you love about where you live and five things that you hate? How does it compare to previous places you've lived?

1. I am so close to dartmoor I can see the tors on my walk into work
2. At halloween it's fabulous to see all the kids in their costumes.  People really get into this.
3. The house is in pretty good nick despite everything we've done to it
4. It doesn't get too hot even though we don't have air-conditioning because the sun is only on it directly in the morning.
5. It's friendly, and nice.  Okay it can be loud and a bit low rent sounding outside but I've accidentally left my door open all day and my house was as I had left it.

Things I hate (hate is strong, wish were different would be better)
1. man this place is small!  We have two packrats and a baby living in one tiny house.  This isn't good.
2. The kitchen is ridiculous and I would kill for a dishwasher or even space to have one!
3. The random issues with damp.  IT's not serious but man I wish we didn't have them.
4. Gardening issues...but it would be nice to have our own little space to let Charlie run around in.
5. The twats across the street.

Couple of Updates

 Charlie walked to the childminders Monday because Simon accidentally drove to work with the pushchair in the boot and by the time we realized this he was already in Exeter.  He offered to drive back but I said I'd walk Charlie in.  Charlie did a very good job!  He walked most of the way and only needed to be carried for two stretches and short ones at that!.  I was going to do that again today but it looked like rain so I'll try it next Monday instead!  Yay for Charlie!

He acted up a bit more on Monday than he usually does and me and Childminder think that may have to do with coming back from being at Gran and Grandad's all weekend, but he was a lot better behaved today which I'm glad about!

At work I've been doing a more teaching/supervisor role to help with the temps up to speed before I go on holiday because Coworker A has been off due to surgery for 3 weeks and is likely to be off until September and Coworker B is off this week and until sometime in August/September for Surgery and I'm going on Holiday for 3 weeks in August.  But luckily the temps are doing well and we're flying through the work and I'm only having to step in when it's weird and complicated but yes, I'm really pleased with how things have been going.

The bad part?  I'm putting in a TON of extra hours and my fibro is flaring through the roof.  I'm having to take Tramadol way more often then I'd like and I'm still in pain.  In fact Charlie is going to the childminder tomorrow so I have a chance to catch up.  It's not ideal, I'd rather have him at home but I have to think about the quality of the time he'd spend with me.  If I'm flaring badly I wouldn't be able to really play with him or take him out and I would be crying every time I needed to get something for him or change his nappy (or if not crying in obvious pain). Whereas if I get the sleep and time to heal that I need while he's at the childminder (which he loves going to and will get to play with other kids and have a fine old time) and then possibly tomorrow afternoon and definitely Thursday I can take him out and play with him and enjoy our time together.

I wish it was otherwise but I have to be realistic and it's only for a month, I can live with that.
I'm going to America in August and for various reasons I was a bit silly. I put that into detail here.  I won't go into it again because the details have been dealt with and aren't important but I will touch on some other stuff.

Since I've dealt with my silliness and the fallout from that I feel much better, except I am bursting into tears every so often.  Now part of that is because I am (checks) 5 days away from my next period, but a lot of it is now that I've acknowledged that people I loved have died in the last year and admitted it's real and I've got to deal with it...well I'm grieving.  I'm starting to go through that grief process finally for the first time.  That's important and good for me, but hard.

What's helping me get through a lot of this is my faith.  I'm pagan and have been for a very long time now.  My patron deity is Bridget which yes is a popular one and yes is typical but it's still true and honest and when I die I do fully expect to be meeting her in her orchard in the otherworld.  I'm finding great comfort in praying and doing ritual and connecting in my heart.  Quiet daily devotion in small ways (like wearing a Goddess necklace) mean a lot of me and help me carry throughout the day.

Finally, my mom said today that I was unhappy back in America and I've only really been happy with Simon and that's true to an extent because.   Well before I knew Simon I didn't believe in soul mates, but I did feel like I was missing a piece of myself.  Upon meeting SImon I very much did/do believe in soul mates and believe Simon is mine and I am his.  For all that sounds trite and silly I will say that doesn't mean we don't have our problems and don't have to work hard on our relationship because we do, but I still believes he's the other half of my soul.  And since mine is minty and his is Chocolate we make a perfect Aftereight!

I've got a good life, a strong faith, a soul mate, a beautiful son and a great cat and a nice place to live.  My life ain't too bad.

I haven't updated in awhile...

It's not because I've been ignoring you f-list. It's because I've either had high rants in my system which I shed at Angry Girl Ranting or I've sick, or I've been dealing with my gorgeous son so I haven't really had much to update about my life.

I will get there though.


On being a lesbian who loves a guy

Sexuality is a strange beast. For most people it's divided between straight (heterosexual) or gay (homosexual). Then there's bi-sexual for people who like both men and women which is how I've said I am on things like blogger or forums (if it's open-minded enough to give you that option).*

But you see I'm not bi-sexual. Yes I'm in a hetero-normal relationship and I love and am attracted to my husband, but that doesn't make me bi-sexual. The truth is I like girls. A lot. As in I'm a lesbian who happens to be in love with a man.

Sounds impossible? Well yeah it kind of makes my brain hurt too but bear with me here I'm going to try to explain how that works and why I even feel it necessary to say.

You see, I've always liked girls, I've also always known it makes me different. For a long time I tried to fight the fact I liked girls even though my family spent ages trying to subtly say "You're a lesbian and we still love you. Will you please be out now?" Okay not in so many words but there were a lot of conversations of how they would still love me now matter what sexuality I was. A lot of pointed conversations.

I tried to fight it partly because I liked romance, I liked the white knight sweeping a woman off her feet, I liked the idea of meeting a guy and having the stereotypical romance. I wanted it, I even convinced myself several times that I was in love with a guy while often actually crushing on one of my female friends.

Because of all this I spent a lot of my time lying to myself so when it came to actually being in love with a man I suddenly realized that if I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man I had to be honest. So I told him I was bi-sexual (because that made sense to me at the time), he took it very well and supported me. Empowered I came out to my friends (whose response was to go "Well finally!") and I started enjoying being open to myself and the world about liking women. Then it came to really defining what I liked and who I was and I realized that out of all the men on the planet the only one I was physically interested in was my husband. If he didn't exist I wouldn't actually like men at all. I also realized that my husband was a very special person and that I would love him if he was male, female, androgynous, or three headed alien from the planet Zufengle. I was in love with the person and the attraction comes from that, my attraction to his body comes from my attraction to him as a person.

I thought of just keeping that to myself or to me and my husband but I realized I didn't want to lie about my sexuality ever again. Bi-sexual worked for awhile for forums and such because I didn't always want to explain but when it comes to people I know I want to be able to watch t.v. with them and NOT have to gush about attractive men. I want to be able to not have to feign interest in how a man looks or how he might be in bed. I want to be able to get all giggly because that cute girl at the coffee place smiled at me. I want, in short, to be able to behave like me.

I spent too much of my life lying to myself and pretending to be something I'm not. So I will be changing my profile on here and yes I think my profiles everywhere to show my actual sexuality.

Because I might be married to a man, but I'm a lesbian and yes I'm proud of that and yes it does matter to me because it matters how I present myself and if I'm lying to myself or others.

*There are a lot of other sexualities beyond this Queer, Pansexual, etc, etc which I will admit I don't know about enough to go into detail about. I have done some research but not enough that I feel I can really discuss them with any meaning. So I'm not trying to be narrow in my view here but I've chosen to limit it to the sexualities that impact my sexual identity.

ETA: Okay I didn't change my blogger profile because I thought I said that I was bi on here but apparently I didn't...but I will change it on other web things.

ETAA: this link explains it so well! http://www.darcomic.org/2007/12/11/dykewithboyfriend/

Things to Remember

1. Charlie is now tall enough to reach the top of the television unaided. Do NOT put things on the top of telly.

2. The reason I start getting horribly depressed for on apparent reason suddenly in the middle of a month is because my period is coming.

3. ...and I've forgotten the third one.
I've been asleep for the best part of two days. I'm finally starting to feel better.

Instead of sharing about how full of mucus and ill I'll talk about my son.

It is very nice that when I'm ill and feeling pathetic to have a small person SOOOOO excited to see me he's giggling and squealing with joy.

But also my son is clever (except for when he decides to eat dirt-ask Simon about that). Simon discovered that you have to close the kitchen gate properly or else my son WILL open it and then will be found carefully putting cat food packets in the washing machine.

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August 2010


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